i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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