I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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