I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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