I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you didnt know i had herpes?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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