Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
