im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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