it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
