I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
