hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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