i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
