Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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