Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize