Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
