A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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