what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
