I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
