apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
