His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
