They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize