Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
