well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
