3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
