no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
