PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
