I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
