Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
