i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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