I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
