I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
