I just threw up on my dentist
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
