Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
