She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
