Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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