my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
