id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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