She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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