I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
