Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
