My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
