Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
