Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
