meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just pee around me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
