i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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