I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
