if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize