i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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