Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
