I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize