He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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