she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I love you. Go after that dick
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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