so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
