honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
