Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize