i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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