isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
