First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
