My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
