Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
