I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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