if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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