Life is so much better after having sex.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
