worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
