I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
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